When You Absolutely Positively Don't Want To Be Mistaken For Normal

Seasons Greetings from the Barko Toy Company

Rev. Barko and Santa Claus

Hello Everybody out there in the Land of Make Believe!

Rev. Barko here~

All of us* at the Barko Toy Company would like to send you our best wishes for this holiday season. Since the beginnings of recorded history, cultures across the globe have gathered to celebrate community during the time of Solstice. Notably in the United States where the overwhelming majority of both religious and secular communities share in the celebration of Christmas, the birth of Jesus Christ.

Though Yeti-Americans hold a variety of spiritual beliefs, most are acutely aware that in a universe of infinite time and space (statistically speaking) all things are as likely as not,* depending on the moment. Therefore ones personal belief system should not get in the way of them having a good time. The Yetisan may indulge in celebration even if they know for a fact* that the history of Jesus Christ may have been misremembered by some of his biographers.

But this is not the only reason for celebration within the Yeti Society. Along with the human festivities, the Yeti-American also honors the most revered member of it's species, Santa Claus. Most adult humans do not believe in the existence of Yeti or Santa Claus. In fact, even most Yetisan are as oblivious to Santa's existence as they are to their own. This is not surprising as throughout history the true origins of Santa Claus have been shrouded in secrecy by the Yeti peoples and suppressed by terrestrial commercial interests who would prefer that the likeness of Santa Claus remain unlicensed.

Though not much is known about the true history of Santa Claus, researchers from the Yeti-American Liberation Alliance have combed through the Yeti Conservancy Archives to provide what information is available. Here is an excerpt from their report summary:

YALA Preliminary Findings on the Origin and Existence of Santa Claus-

1. Though no physical evidence has been gathered by our team we were allowed access to several photographs, lithographs and Sumero-Akkadian cuneiform tablets that confirm the existence of the creature now known as Santa Claus.

2. According to the Sumerian texts, Santa Claus first transubstantiated on “Earth” sometime during the Neolithic Age in the form of a Nephilim and at the time was considered the living embodiment of “Enlil”, the Mesopotamia god of inclement weather.

3. Mentions in folklore and religious documents referring to characters with Santa like abilities span across cultures and include but are not limited to Baldur, Frau Holle, Alcyone, La Befana and Spider Grandmother from Southwestern Native American mythology.

4. According to information acquired through back channels within the Freemasons, a chapter of the North Dakota Illuminati (which went out of business in 1982 due to poor management and inbreeding) was charged with the task of compiling and maintaining an extensive dossier on Santa Claus and the inner workings of his organization referred to by our contacts as “The Workshop”. It is not known what became of the dossier.

5. In 1964 American television studio NBC, produced and broadcast an animated stop motion television special called “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” written by Romeo Muller. Muller's original script contained cryptic passages that (according to our contacts) if discovered would have exposed a connection between the Yeti Society and the “Santa Conspiracy”. We are told that if this were to have happened the identities of several Yeti Americans (who at the time were working covertly for the United States Government in the Gulf of Tonkin) could have been exposed and their lives put in jeopardy. NBC was pressured by the Attorney Generals Office, Central Intelligence Agency and YALA “Representatives” to redact portions of the script before production began. At this time is is still unknown how Muller got his information or how accurate it may have been.

        If you would like to know more about the “Santa Conspiracy” or just want to get a jump start on next years Holiday Shopping, join the Barko Toy Company VIP Club (by entering your email address in the box at the bottom of the page) to receive updates, exclusive promotions, special offers and clandestine directives!

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        Stay Tuned~
        Rev. Barkme Laughing Wolf
        SubMortal Cheerleader to the Apocalypse
        and Diabolical Minion of Good


        *1. The Barko Toy Company is run by myself and my two cats Freaky and Tiki.

        *2. As likely as not... : See the Law of Infinite Reversal (Principia Discordia Pg. 45)

        *3. Some Yeti have lived thousands of years and were around during the biblical era so there is no telling what rumors they might have heard at the time.

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